So, let me say it without anesthetics:

I flunked at college.

Yup, I got kicked out. I know that for many people that would be a reason to freak out and panic and run around in circles crying their eyeballs out while yelling to the powers of the universe for some mercy to rain upon their miserable heads.

But I'm not doing that.

I came to realize (in a terrible, terrible way) that Computer Sciences isn't my thing. Sure, I love computers, sure, I love gaming, sure, I can put together a computer with my eyes closed, and sure, I know more data than any techie. However, I've noticed that I'm not TALENTED for that. Every math class equals torture for me, and every time I have to read 100 pages about some programming language, my braincells cringe at the thought of me having to transcribe all those lines of code just to see how it works, much less creating some of my own.

That's why I'm practically glad I flunked.

So, facing mom about that wasn't an easy task. However, it was a good thing that she was open to dialog, and she took it way better than I expected. She supports me on my decision, she isn't mad with me (at least not yet) and she understood why I was unhappy in there.

But not everything is happy, happy, joy, joy. After the pondering and meditation I've done since I knew I was about to lose the semester, I realized certain disgusting things about myself that I'm gonna fix or die trying. Since acknowledging a problem is the first step to fixing it, I'm gonna write it here, not only to put it in my words, but also for all of you to see, so that no only you can help me, but also remind me of my condition.

1.) I'm a lazy bastard. I keep postponing things and procrastinating constantly. That's an attitude that I can't allow to continue, because, if things haven't been good now, the future can only harbor disastrous shit.

2.) I have no discipline. Whenever and IF I move to do something that is of no pleasure to me (studying, working, darn, even cleaning my closet!) I just stop after a while doing it, arguing petty excuses and deceiving myself all the time.

This is why, starting January, I'm entering a severe PC detox treatment (no, not a rehab thing nor nothing). I'm gonna get a job SOMEWHERE, even if it means picking up shit in an orphanage, but is time I learn the sense of responsibility. I'm gonna get myself into sports, to see if I can fix this wretched and wrecked physique of mine, and I'm gonna seriously reduce my computer time. I might be on the computer making 3D renders, or learning stuff, but not playing. Nuh uh. That leads us to the next point.

I'm sure that the few of you that actually bother to read this crappy journal when it updates will be wondering: "Great, he got kicked, now what?" Well, scanning myself in order to see what the hell was I good at, (other than wasting time, that is) I found a rather obvious answer, which haunted me on the year and a half I was studying what i shouldn't: Art.

That's it. I'm gonna present myself to the Fine Arts career on the same college I was in. I know I can pass, because, while I had barely the points needed to pass the test for Computer Sciences, I almost got perfect scores on Spacial Appreciation, which is the discipline required for Arts. So, why try to be something I'm not? I'm ready to face the facts: I'm an artist, whether I like it, or not, and I'm going to make a career and a life out of it.

That said, expect some regular updates during this period, but close to none next year. I'll try to post, but is not a guarantee. In any case, when I'm online, you'll notice. You know who you are.

Take care.